If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
This baby is an asshole
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
