The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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