I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
