I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
