david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Green mimosas i think yes
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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