I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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