I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
