Betty ford says i'm here all night
i drank out of a bidet.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
