If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
