Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You pole danced in your parka.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
