I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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