I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
