planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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