they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
