oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I need to align my fucking chakras
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
