hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
