I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
