Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
