last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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