I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize