Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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