I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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