How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
