I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize