....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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