You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
