I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
