As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
