I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
