you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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