I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
