Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
