Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Let's get the cat blown out
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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