Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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