I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
false alarm, still single
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize