The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
