Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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