Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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