Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
