Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
