let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
