my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize