somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
