He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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