I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
