my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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