just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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