im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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