i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
