I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
