At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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