i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
