Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I love having hate sex.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize