Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
