im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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