today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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