Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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