I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I am naked and annoyed.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
