Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
