So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
