I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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