y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
