Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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