If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
