No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
