I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
